Let Go, Control
by Ashida
Summary: "Akihito, this is my confession to you, things I should have said to you years ago, things I have been unable to give up, because they are the only thing of mine I have left."


**AN: **A gift for Sunflower1343. Inspired by her fic, 'A Change of Pace.' You can find it on her LiveJournal page. This was written in bits and pieces over the weekend between competition runs I had with the dogs. Not edited.

* * *

Akihito sat, quiet and alone in the empty condo, on his knees, looking down at the heavy white envelope in his hands.

His name; Takaba Akihito, was written in beautiful Kanji across the front, even the impeccable handwriting of Asami Ryuichi had presence.

The sun moved across the sky, and the moon had taken it's place before he finally decided to muster his courage, funny, all his photographer's curiosity fled the moment he saw his name on the front.

In the dim light of the bedroom, he read.

_Akihito._

_If you are reading this, it means I've gone to a place where your viewfinder can't catch me, an inevitable happenstance for me, I suppose. It's not the most ideal situation, but if you are reading this, then that also means you're alive. For that much at least, I am glad. _

_I hope that one day, before I die, before this letter is needed; I can throw it out, and instead I would have worked up the courage to tell you in words and not on paper. The truth is I am a coward to my own feelings, and if you are reading this, I remained so and kept up my mask until the very end. That would be my biggest regret. _

_So here I am, Akihito, sitting at my desk at Sion, with screwed up bits of paper strewn across my office, trying to figure out in words, something I will probably never tell you. You deserve that much at least, you deserve much more._

_Akihito, this is my confession to you, things I should have said to you years ago, things I have been unable to give up, because they are the only thing of mine I have left. It's selfish of me to ask you to understand, but the truth is I am a selfish man, incredibly so. Its unfair to ask you to understand, but then again, I have never been fair to you in the first place, have I? _

_Can you imagine what it's like, for a man like me who values control over everything else, to suddenly be stripped of the very essence of that word? I know you can't, you are too selfless, but for me, control is everything. _

_I am not talking about control over Tokyo, or subordinates, control over money or business, I am talking about control over myself, control over my emotions, my instincts and my own life. Are you ready for this? _

_The truth is; you have taken it all from me, Akihito. I don't think I can put into words how truly terrifying for a man like me that is. Your existence in my life terrifies me. And so every day I play the craven and hide behind that mask, a lesser man than you, who faces me head on everyday, baring it all. _

_All these years, I kept up that facade that you so loathe, because it was the last ounce of control I had left. In this letter to you, I am taking it all down; it's hard even now to let go of control even when by the time you get this I'll be dead. _

_I know how you feel about me, Akihito, you're a terrible liar. You say one thing, but your face, your eyes and your actions tell another. _

_Do you want to know the only difference between us in regards to our feelings? Akihito? You're probably thinking something like, 'oh, Asami felt nothing, he never showed me anything.' I can't tell you how wrong that is. _

_I'll keep it simple. I know you'll try to dissect whatever I say otherwise, try to find the cryptic meaning in my words, you'd mull over the riddle I'd normally give you, with a clue that to me is obvious, but to you is just a mocking remark. _

_Here is another revelation for you then. I feel exactly the same about you, as you do about me. That's all there is to it. _

_The difference? The only difference between us there ever has been is that while you are a horrible liar, unable to keep your emotions locked in and away from me, making it all obvious. I on the other hand, I lie for a living, my entire face in society is a lie, you of all people know that the most. _

_So while I can see the compassion you bear for me in your eyes, the sorrow as you looked at the bullet wound on my chest, or the loyalty you showed me over the Sudou incident, the anger now when I provoke you and the distress when you think I might have been in genuine danger, you see nothing from me in return. _

_On this I can assure you, it's all there. Probably even more so, I can't tell you how mindless with rage I was when I found you'd been taken to Hong Kong, or how worried I get when you fail to call me at 9pm every night like we agreed. _

_Even now, Kirishima has just come rushing into the office telling of your latest exploits, you've just had a narrow escape at the docks trying to get a story on a scoop that doesn't involve me. I do not deserve your devotion, but like the selfish man I am, I will take it nonetheless. _

_I want to laugh, because you are insanely brave in the face of danger, I mean actually insane, your spirit is an unmeasurable treasure that never fails to fascinate me._

_At the same time though, I want to roar and launch out of my chair at your stupid gutsiness, and be on my way to find you and make sure there is not a scratch on your body, or a hair out of place on your head. _

_It's so confusing to me, Akihito. How you can make me feel these conflicting things all at the same time. Pride, amusement and overwhelming protectiveness. I want to throw everything aside, my next meeting, cancel it all and just find you. _

_It's also frightening, how your actions provoke such drastic reactions in me. Do you see? I have no control. You control me. Yet you don't even know it.  
That is the scariest thing of all. You have all this power, and are completely blind to it, but then again even if you knew, you wouldn't do anything with it. That's what makes you the person that you are._

_Do you remember once when I told you that I hate when people take what belongs to me? I'll bet you do. I saw the snarl in your eyes as if I'd referred to you as one of my things._

_You misunderstood. I wasn't talking about Feilong taking you. I was talking about you taking something from me._

_You took all my priorities, and you rearranged them, flipped them all upside down and unknowingly placed yourself on the top._

_That is what you've done to my life. To me. There are no hidden meanings. This is not a riddle. This is the truth. _

_Try as I might, even until this day, to set my life in the order I see fit; I just can't. I revolve around you. Even though it's only in writing, it's so liberating to say that. I finally understand the freedom that you fight for. The freedom I will never let you have, because you are mine, I couldn't bring myself to let you go, even if I wanted to. _

_If you hadn't figured it out yet though. It works both ways. _

_This has probably left you reeling. I know it'll take a while to sink in, but there it is; all of me in words for you to see. Read it over and over until you understand what you are to me, Akihito._

_There are so many more things I want to say in regards to us, to what we are, how far we've come and the distance we still have left to travel, it's been a winding road, sometimes I've dragged you along unwillingly, for that I am sorry. Sometimes you've had me chasing you up difficult slopes, and for that I thank you. I love a good chase._

_Rare are the times when we've both walked side by side, as equals along a straight road, but I want you to know that those are the times I enjoy the most. I hope there are many more before (if) this letter reaches your hands. _

_That brings me to what will happen after you've finished reading. Know that you'll never want for anything again, I know you'll hate that, and want to take care of yourself. I remember the argument we had last week because I paid your phone bill that was months overdue. I don't do it to antagonize you, I want to do these things for you. Because I put you through enough trouble just by being in your life that I can't handle the thought of you going through anything else if I can help it. _

_So please, when you need help Kirishima and Suoh will always be there, the condo is yours, everything is yours. Do with it what you will. I don't believe in a dying man's legacy. I will be dead so it makes no difference to me._

_The only thing that makes a difference to me in death is that you continue being the person you are now, and that you don't dwell too long on my passing. Make me happy, go and chase that story, fight for your justice and continue being a thorn in many more criminals' side for years to come, until you die a natural death with loved ones at your side._

_Until then, I'll wait for you in the abyss, where I'll make you mine once again._

_Love always._

_Ryuichi._

Akihito wasn't aware of his tears pattering down on the page until he finished, the wet droplets dragged the oblivion coloured ink in messy lines down the paper, marring the once perfect handwriting.

He felt hollow, and full at the same time. The words in the letter addressed to him left him with this sick sense of completeness, sick because Asami's death was something he never wanted to think about, even if it meant the letter in his hands.

He was shaking now, the words in front of him no longer steady enough for him to read, his eyes blurred and his breath caught in his throat with each sob.

He curled over on the plush carpet, with Asami's confession scrunched against his chest.

Hours passed, he'd forgotten what he was meant to be doing before this, it was late though, by the time he heard the tell tale click of the front door opening and closing.

Leaving the letter abandoned on the floor; he sought out the source of the noise, until he found it in the living room, taking off its suit jacket and rolling up its sleeves.

Asami turned when he heard Akihito shuffle into the room.

And then Akihito got to see all those words on paper in real life, he saw the raw concern when Asami looked at his face, his wet eyes obvious to them both. He saw the flash of protectiveness; he saw the way Asami's fingers twitched in his direction. He saw it all, until it was carefully placed behind that mask that held Asami Ryuichi together.

He broke into tears anew at seeing it all, realising the truth. It wasn't something he could handle all at once, his fists bunched in his hair as he tried to breathe.

"So, I take you found it?" Asami whispered as he stepped close.

"I… I was l-looking for a camera lens and.." he managed to choke out, giving up half way through.

There was a sigh, and a pair of arms wrapped tight around him, squeezing him so tight, so secure.

"I should have known you'd find it." The voice hummed into his hair. "Why are you crying? I'm not dead yet."

"Because you wrote it as if you're going to die! If you die, I won't ever forgive you. Show some responsibility after me reading all that, you jerk." He snapped into the soft fabric of that expensive cotton shirt. The scent of Dunhills and cologne helped to calm him.

The body holding him shook as it chuckled, squeezing him tighter as it did so. "I see, if that's how it's going to be, then I'll try my best."

"That's more like it." Akihito managed to breathe out, the lump in his throat disappearing with each Asami-scent filled breath.

Asami nuzzled further into his hair, sending goosebumps down Akihito's neck as warm exhalations tickled his skin. "Please take care of me from now on, Takaba Akihito." Came the heartfelt murmur.

"I will."


End file.
